This is gonna be a long day for us. Tonight we are leaving for our holiday in Brisbane. We've not finished packing and KK's got to go for his Little Champ class before that. The only thing I wish I could bring along but is leaving behind is Baby X.
We originally wanted to bring Baby X along as we didn't want to bother anyone to look after him at night. (yes, I did not trust my DH - domestic helper - enough. My theory: dealing with a fussing baby in the middle of the night requires genuine parental love. Even then, some nights I feel like being abusive what more an employed worker?) The other thing is, I was still breatfeeding, so he needs me and I need him.
However, my mother one day volunteered to look after Baby X at night for the whole week. I think she took pity on us after seeing us discuss how to travelproof the 'sarong' swing frame (take the wheels out, bubble wrap the frame etc) to bring to Brisbane. Yes, we were prepared to bring that and come back mid-day for his nap. It beats having a cranky, active and sleep deprived baby in our arms anytime. But we have to be realistic. Baby X is not going to remember nor understand what this holiday is. Bringing him along will compromise his rest and his meals. The worst thing is, KK and ourselves will all have to make sacrifices to accomodate him on the trip. Furthermore, Baby X got the flu and has started coughing as well. He will definitely get better rest staying at home. So much as I will miss Baby X (and I think he'll miss us too), we just gotta 'harden our hearts' and do the sensible thing. Afterall, it's gonna be just one week........Baby X, sorry we couldn't bring you. Be a good boy and wait for us to come back ya?
Since then, I've been trying to wean him off the breast slowly. I started by feeding him a little expressed breast milk before he sucks direct, to let him get used to the bottle before sleep. I also tried to make sure he didn't fall asleep at the breast. This took some time and wasn't so successful as some nights, I just didn't have time to express.
I then moved to feeding him whole bottles of formula milk just before his bedtime. Knowing that he's full, I switched off the lights. Switching off the lights was the que for him to sleep. He rolled around and whimpered a bit, clawing and scratching me at the same time, but I managed to put him to sleep without offering the breast.
In the middle of the night, I still feed him direct when he wakes up. This is for convenience and also to prevent engorgement for myself, since I already skipped the night feed. Recently, after the breast supplies adjusted itself to the reduced demand, I got Hubby to fix him a bottle of milk instead when he wakes up. Surprisingly, after a half-hearted protest, Baby X took the bottle and dozed off contentedly again after the feed.
All these took almost a month. By last night, Baby X only sucked a little breast milk at 0600hrs. And I sort of sensed some disinterest as he detached himself after a few minutes. That's it! That would be the LAST feed. Freedom! No more being tied down. At the same time, I feel a little sad - the special relationship between us during breastfeeding is over. For Baby X, he has enjoyed breastfeeding longer than KK. Words cannot describe the closeness we experienced. During these last few nights, I had looked at the peaceful and contented look on his face, eyes closed, when he sucks. He knows when the breast is coming and opens his mouth expectantly waiting for it to touch his lips. Then he latches on almost immediately and he will relax..... These are the memories I'll cherish and moments I'll miss.
I guess this is a milestone and a part of growing up. With time, Baby X will forget what breastfeeding is like. Like his brother, he may not be able to understand how anyone could drink milk like that. Until the day he becomes a father ,perhaps.
For now, I better get back to the packing.
10 - mixed feelings mum
